I finally figured out why college is so ridiculously hard for me.
My classes are cake. I suck at the social aspect.
I mean, the guys are doing their own thing and I feel stupid for always tagging along. Like a lost puppy. And my roommates are cool, I'm just really weird and they don't know how to handle me, so I don't know how to be myself.
I'm obviously terrible at making friends :)
Yesterday was really rough for me. I seriously wanted to give up college and go home. I haven't had an emotional breakdown like that since June. But today is totally the opposite. I don't feel anything at all. Like I'm completely numb. It's very odd, yet a nice break from feeling so much negativity.
As I pondered why I was so extremely depressed and frustrated, I decided it was because I feel like I don't matter. I hate that feeling.
In college/the real world, nobody really cares what you do. And I can't handle that. Everyone gets to do their own thing. Sure I'm free to make my own choices, but I feel so alone. I have this need to feel included, to feel wanted. I guess everybody wants to feel accepted, but I think it goes a little bit deeper for me. I don't want to be the clingy, needy type, but it sort just happens because I get so desperate to have friends. (Sorry Apt 36).
Thatcher posted about letting people down and how he hates to feel like a failure, and I totally agree with him. I hate letting people down, but I wish I had someone to let down. Someone who cared enough that when I messed up, they got upset.
I wish I mattered.
But the truth is, I don't.
I'm really just another face in the crowd.
Just another average girl.
4 comments:
You know, we both talked about how college is a place where no one cares, but Molly, I really care about you. I know you feel like college people don't, but if nothing else I really do. You're a really important and special person in my life. I mean who else would use me as a personal library? You're awesome Molly. Just keep on keeping on. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'm positive that there are a lot of people that you mean a lot to. I love you, Molly! You can do it, and you can text me anytime you want to and I'll be there for you.
You're always welcome at 36 Molly, even if the open sign isn't on. I'm pretty sure college isn't nearly as cool as advertised either, but at least we're all up here as friends. I'm here and care about you, if that's worth something. Hope you're doing well~
Molly, what would I even do without you? This distance thing is kinda a pain you know, but seriously, you've helped me in so many ways. Even if they were little things to you, they were monumental to me. Like the day I moved? You were there for me and were so supportive and caring when I felt so ridiculous. So if you are feeling like this again, give me a call and I will totally listen, even if it feels silly to you. I love you!
-Heather
I think a lot of people go through that feeling. The other day I just wanted to break down and cry, and go home because I didn't know what I was doing at college. I had no friends and I wasn't learning anything and I'm having trouble getting a job...
One of my roommates told me that when she first moved up here, she felt so out of place, three days into it, she called up her dad and asked him to take her home.
But look at her now! She's been up here for two years and has maybe two friends besides us roomies, but she's happy with that.
And I'm happy.
And you can be too. I'm rooting for you.
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