I've been re-reading my blog lately, just thinking about what I've gone through since I've started this blog. Honestly I think it's interesting to see how much of the same I am and yet how different I've become in just two years.
It makes me wonder what will happen in two years.
It also comforts me that although I'm sure I'll change, I'll remain the same person I've always been.
Right now I'm living for the moment and I know what's just around the corner. Some hard times are coming and I'm afraid for them, but I know that time heals everything.
I just need to remember my foundation.
Broken by Lifehouse is a song that I keep listening to over and over. It has no relevance to any person right at this moment, but I think it's so beautiful. I can't help but revel in the fact that 4 months ago it would have reduced me to tears. The best part is that I'm doing so well that I can listen to this song and smile.
Other things I've been thinking about is the past. I've been hurt pretty deeply by a few people. We're all human and it happens. I'm sure I've cut some people to the core, intentionally or unaware, it's happened. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to forgive and forget. It's not like I harbor any hatred or anger toward those people, I just feel guarded. Like, I still remember what they did and it still makes me sad. I wonder if that's normal?
I don't know. I try to not think about it because it just makes me question "why?" Maybe I haven't been asking the right question though. Maybe I need to think about what I learned from those situations.
I guess currently I'm learning how to be a strong person. I don't mean that I want to work out and get a six pack (although THAT would be really cool.) I want to be strong when I grow up. Someone who can break and take it with a smile, knowing that this too shall pass. I want to be strong for my kids, I want to be strong for my friends. I want to be someone that can be leaned on in hard times. Someone dependable. I want to be the person that recognizes that nothing is nearly as important as another human being in need. Someone who will drop everything and come running. But I also want to be helpful. I want to know how to comfort and do things that will be beneficial to the recipiant. Except I'm human. And sometimes I'm selfish, which frustrates me.
I guess that sometimes I want to be so much more than I am that it seems too intimidating and I chicken out.
"I wanna be perfect, but I'm me.
I wanna be flawless but you see:
Every little crack,
every chip,
every dent,
every little mistake...
But there's only so much that a girl can do."
I guess it's just a process though. Skills learned in time by practicing. Things that only age can refine.
One day at a time.
Nizzle.
2 comments:
Your blog makes me want to cry. Completely unrelated to your writing, just 'almost lovers' playing every time I load a different page :).
Ok, so I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I just barely read it. :) And I am so impressed Molly. I think that those things you want to work on, you already are. I think you're so strong. And you are totally someone that I can lean on! Member when you came over the morning I left for college? That meant more to me than you could ever know. I know we've not always been consistantly a part of each other's lives, but I would definitely still consider you a good friend that I could trust and that if you needed something, I would be there. Love you girl and thanks for writing. :)
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