I'm home. Weird as it sounds, I finally accepted college as home.
I was walking in the front door a few days ago and it just hit me that I live here. I know that sounds stupid, but I actually missed everything here when I went to my parent's house this weekend.
I got to be with my family the majority of Sunday. It was really awesome to be with them. I didn't think that I really missed them too much, but as I was there talking and laughing with everyone, I realized that I really love them and I DID miss them. I even learned how to cut guy's hair. (if you need a trim, I can definitely hook you up for free.) I liked that my older brother was home at the same time because we're both in college, so I felt more comfortable being at home. Plus, he's amazing. I loved listening to him talk about his concerns because he doesn't talk a ton, but when he does it's usually worth while to listen to.

I had an amazing weekend. I got to see a bunch of friends and chill with them for a couple hours. I got to watch the Little Rascals in black and white. I even hung out with Heather and Levi at a XC meet at UVU for an hour or so. It was a tad awkward talking to the kids on the Tville XC team knowing that we aren't there to run in the meet and that we aren't in high school anymore. But I got wet and looked totally ridiculous, it was so fun.
I talked to Levi one on one about college and how things have been going and how I feel and how he feels and all that good stuff. It was so good to talk to him. We had a lot of the same ideas and thoughts and I loved seeing that he was human just as much as I was. I had been feeling very upset the last week or so, but talking to him made me feel like everything would be okay. It felt amazing. I felt that all my petty worries wash away with the rain. I felt some sort of a resolution come to me.
I also hung out with Heather that night and her family. I felt so welcome at her house and I loved it. I really love her and her family because they're all so cool. :) We chatted for a while while I did her hair. (I'm 100% certain that she is one of the most beautiful people I know. Outside and in. Jealous much? Oh yeah. haha.) We talked about our current struggles and about boys and about our struggles with boys. It was very cathartic for me and it gave me even more peace and comfort. I kept getting the feeling that I was going to be just fine. Plus, I haven't laughed that hard at a family prayer in quite a while.
It prepared me for what was to come on Sunday.

Like Thatcher, I had an epiphany as well. It came during President Monson's talk at the end of the Sunday morning session. I had this feeling that he would talk about change and talk about change he did. I got the chills. I felt as though I had been thrown out in the snow and gotten frostbite but then someone gave me some chicken noodle soup. I intently listened as I had never listened before and I got this overwhelming feeling that consumed me the entire talk. I wrote things down he said that struck me and I jotted down goals. I was on fire.

I've been really resisting the changes and trying my best to hold on to what I had, but I see now that I need to let go. Maybe not of everything (like my good friends) but to let go of the pain. One thing he said was to stop living in the past and make the most of today so that we can have fond memories for the future. So I decided to stop focusing on what's missing aka high school and friends etc, and to focus on what I have. I really want to stop hurting and to start living life and relishing it.
So I made a bunch of goals to keep myself busy. I want to get all A's for once. I want to really try. I haven't really done that before... but I'm betting that if I apply myself I can do great things. No more of this being less than I can be. More living up to my potential. :) I was a little frustrated that I had been so self centered in high school and that I was really lazy about spiritual things. I wish I had been more actively perfecting myself instead of letting life slip by, so I'm not going to do that anymore. I want to fill my days with things that matter most. I'm going to become more social and make friends. I want to enjoy college and make new memories, so here goes nothing.
I made a list of things I'm going to do, and hopefully that'll keep me on track. Also, I came up with a plan to read and study a talk in the Ensign from conference and then for a whole week, I'll try to live what they teach. I want to apply everything I've learned because I want to be happy and content with life. I realize now that life is hard, but I can do the little things to make myself smile through the pain. Find beauty in the noise, roll with the punches, get knocked down and get up again.
W.I.T.

In other news, I got a job! I'm not going to die. It's with a call center and I deal with surveys. I'm a teeny bit worried about it, but it's a job, I need the money, and it seems fairly easy. Plus one of my roommates works there already so that should be fun. Or at least bearable.

And so, to quote one of the greats,
"I'm gonna go out there and grab the world by the tail! and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket!"

Love you all my friends. Keep your chins up. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Knuckles white.
-Mollinator