Hello children.

I have exactly two more days of work left until I become among those many other people society likes to call the "unemployed"

Lucky, lucky me.

Who knew video games actually applied to real life? well, the concept anyway. Well, the structure anyway. Well, the levels anyway....

In english we talked about four levels of human development or something. Called the Journey. First stage is innocence.
Second stage is initiation.

• death
• evil
• love

Third stage is chaos.
Fourth stage is resolution.

Believe it or not, English may have just saved my life.
well, not literally, but still.

I have been in chaos since summer ended. I have experienced a lot of loss lately and I can't handle it. It's emotionally taxing and draining and it's really painful to me. But I've now become so familiar with pain that it comforts me...
I have been wanting to return to my innocence, wishing that I had never let myself get hurt like this. All I have been seeing in my future is pain and suffering. So I let myself go.
I said to myself, why is it worth it anyway? Nobody understands or cares what's happening to you.
I began to spiral downward, and it wasn't pretty. I was a mess inside, a chaos inside of me. Life just isn't fair. If this is how living life was, I didn't want it. I just couldn't see the good, I could only see that what I once had and was comfortable with, was taken from me. Why me? Why wasn't I good enough? How come the pain won't leave? Time heals all wounds...but seriously, how much time?

I talked to my mom. She helped me see some things I could improve, but still I felt empty and lonely inside. Nothing to fill it with, only more time to pass by.

Then I talked to a close friend. He also tried to advise me, but it wasn't any use. I was set in my negative and degrading ways...for good. I couldn't go back. There wasn't anything to go back to. Needless to say, he was frustrated at me.


Then I went to the NHS dinner and Rockwell inspired me.
Then I went to English, and everything fell into place.
You see,
Chaos can be taken as a mess, with nowhere to go except continue on the path of pain. This person will live forever in bitterness and self pity. (this is me now)
OR
a true hero is not defeated by their experience. They LEARN from it and turn it into knowledge. They become strengthened by it. (this is my inspiration)

I wanted to become that hero.
I want to reach RESOLUTION, the last and most fulfilling stage, where my experience has been integrated into my vision of the world wisely. Only this hero can "find a way through the darkness to a kind of peace."

That is my quest. To find that peace within.
because chaos is no fun.
because I should make my mom proud.
because everyone has gone through this journey at some point.
because I'm not alone.
because I'm worth it.
because of Parrish.

I went to seminary that day and decided (something I knew in the back of my mind all along) that I can keep wallowing and hoping for someone to notice me and help me fix everything, or I can snap out of it. Get over myself. Be positive. Make my life amazing. Become the best I can be. Work on my talents and have fun doing it. Stop trying to be someone else. Be honest and not fake. Move on from my grief.

Experience life.